Duke: “Looniversal Tutdios LullyHood, California. We’ve made it, Hank, in one piece or something. Let’s hope we never travel through one of them sand things ever again. It really busted my corns and lettuce to travel like that. Why are we here though, Hank, and how come all these people are below us?”
Hank: “Do you recall that one time I asked you about Halloween?”
“Is that the one thing directly before but not after pine tree time where you put on a bunch of faces and eat candy and stuff?”
“I’ll say yes to that.”
“I don’t get it though.”
“This theme park before us hosts one of the best Halloween attractions known to man and, in just a few moments, we will take part in the dark, sinister fun. No longer will heavenly light warm this park but, instead, it will be veiled by erotic, hellish shadows awakening demons from their grave.”
“The sound of that sounds a little too good to be true. How come masked people run around and make threatening promises when they have no reason to be upset? Did somebody yank a teddy bear from their arms, is that why they are upset?”
“Perhaps, Duke, you are on to something.”
“A voice just echoed from the sky people. It said, ‘The park will be closing at 6pm tonight preparing for Looniversal Tutdios Lullyhood Roar Good nights.’ I don’t get it, because you said something like red things will sit up from Hello because a teddy bear was yanked from their hands. They must be upset, but I think I was in a stomachtary.”
“There is no such thing as stomachtaries, nincompoop. The only thing that exists is a cemetery, a place where squires can bury their loved ones. This is obviously not a cemetery, but will soon be turned into an H.P. Lovecraft poem once the fog rolls in.”
“They bury love something like kitties with butt juice, why?”
“Not exactly like that, Duke, for that is a completely different matter. Squires properly place their loved ones in boxes then neatly bury them in the ground.”
“Do they sleep better that way?”
“It is a matter of death, Duke.”
“The sound of that sounds pretty serious if you ask me, so don’t.”
“Are you ready to embark on a grand adventure full of mazes, screams and fun?”
“I’ve always been jealous of mice because they get to run around like that. There’s going to be masses with cheese at the end, right?”
“Of course, Duke, there will be mazes. Squires never disappoint.”
“I know, I admire them because they have kitties and other things of furry fun.”
“Let the smoke from Hell rise out the murky chasms it came and infect all who walk through it. Let the bells from Sheol give breath to those who’ve run astray, allowing them to eat if for only one blustery night.”
“Hank, you’re scaring me. Surely you don’t mean it. I don’t get how that cloud just came to be like that.”
“It is a bowel movement orchestrated from Hell itself. Now that the gates have opened, it is our duty to go in.”
“But what if we get finger cancer?”
“You wanted Hollywood, Duke. Well, Hollywood is here before you now. You best not flinch because we will never again venture up here. This is one of those moments you search yourself to see if you can handle it. I will not let you escape without a sense of adventure and, social status aside, its best we experience this together but keep it between us.”
“I actually wanted LullyHood, the promised place. Something wood is not what I wanted I’ll have you know, but they do have mouse cheese. Let’s go capture them cheeses.”
Hank and Duke recap Halloween Horror Nights 2012
jrleyvas | November 6th,2012 | California, Commentary, dark, Fiction, Halloween, Humor, Travel, Writing | No Comments »
Hank: “And there you have it, the squire spirit of Halloween lives. We sure did get our monies worth.”
Duke: “Sorry for not cooperating, Hank. I’m a little shell shocked at the moment.”
“What did you think of Si—”
“You promised you wouldn’t say it.”
“Its just an attraction, Duke.”
“That’s what you think, but imagine how I feel—nurses waking up right before my eyes, triangle heads chasing me down halls and little girls glowing behind chalk boards; she wasn’t so nice after all.”
“Halloween is alive and well it seems, which is precisely my point.”
“Where’s a point?”
“That Halloween is alive and well.”
“Lallowheen is live and swell, that’s not what I think.”
“Do you disagree with a man whose face is leather?”
“Whose feathered case?”
“That chainsaw wheeling bigot.”
“Him, well, I think he is a meanie. I didn’t like the way his face slanted.”
“I warned you about calling him Saw.”
“But, I could tell in his cheeks that he liked it. Why did they eat people?”
“Because some are like that.”
“All in all, great show. I hope we never do that one again.”
“Do cover your ears to the bloodcurdling screams of one young lady who had her cereal urinated on this past morning. If you frequent Southern California, make it a point to check out Universal Studios Hollywood during the month of October. It is quite the time.”
“You can say that again, or maybe I can—you can say that again, or maybe I can—you can say that again—”
“Stop it, Duke.”
“Sorry Charlie, but I don’t talk to strangers.”