Hank: “Can’t you feel it, Duke, election time is upon the human once again.”
Duke: “Are they picking berries from a strange shrub?”
“No, nincompoop, but I imagine they would.”
“Then?”
“Why, they have elections so that they can pick leaders.”
“For what?”
“Every few years or so, people gather together to pick new government officials to lead them into a new millennium.”
“You can choose me, Hank. I’d do a good job.”
“I wouldn’t trust you with a garden hose, omnipotent klutz, let alone a country.”
“It’s part of my life’s journey — to lead.”
“Then what is your sign?”
“I’m a lefty, Hank, and you know that.”
“No, buffoon, if I am to consider you for head of state, I need to know where you stand. Are you on the side of elephants or do you fancy donkeys?”
“I’m a straight shooter, Hank, because I enjoy your tribe. Did you speak, Hank? I can’t remember.”
“Do you realize what country we’re in?”
“I don’t know that word, Hank, sorry to bother you with that. We’re part of a tribe or something, aren’t we? By the way, how come Lugnut doesn’t have a flag like that one over there, Hank?” .
“Because this is the United States of America, the best country which was founded by good men. Our tribe will get there, just be patient. ”
“What’s so united about it, Hank. I see nothing but seas from where we are which splits the land or something. How is it united when it’s in two pieces, Hank? I really don’t get it. And because you say we’re somewhere called the Wonky States of Episcopacy, can you exclaim your meanness to that flag thing up there and tell it to go black? It’s hurting my eyes.”
“I shall do no such thing, for that is the crime of crimes. I will not exchange these royal cloaks for peasant garments and live among ferial humans deliberately and sleep the same within their grimy cages.”
“Sounds like a wild goose chase. Remember that time when we pulled out that goose’s tail feather. Boy, was it upset. Didn’t you pull an artery, Hank? I can recall you doing something like that.”
“You cannot pull an artery to my knowledge, imbecile. What trouble we would be in if you ran things.”
“Know who would make a great leader? This guy, me.”
“Well, I assume if you were to run things, we best set you up in a party so you can get on to the ballot.”
“I don’t drink, Hank, it’s against my religion.”
“Not that kind of party, Duke.”
“If I do go through with this, you have to promise that the ballot I am on will not gulp me down into its stomach. I don’t swim.”
“Not to worry, for it has no bowels.”
“I like bowls, especially the soft kind. Can we get my tail on this ballot thing now so I don’t have to worry?”
“We will get there eventually but, first, you must prove your knowledge on political strategies and things of that sort.”
“I know lots of things, especially backwards things. But, I go the wrong direction when I try spelling out the alphabet. Does it go X, D, F,T,G,V,B or is it A,H,J,K,L,C,O?”
“We’re doomed.”
“I know you were going to say that. My hind leg told me so.”
“Do you have a coin?”
“Don’t know what that is. Can I get the leader job now?”
“Not until we choose a party for you.”
“I don’t drink, Hank. How many ways do I have to stand until you see straight.”
“Whenever we have a coin in our possession — heads for Democrat, tails for Republican. However the coin is to land, you will exclusively belong to that group and cannot go back on your decision.”
“You really know how to tucker a guy out, Hank, I appreciate it. What are we talking about anyway?”
“We were discussing politics. Do you have a clue what that is?”
“I know the name of that one guard you have. I think it’s named Swahili, am I right?”
“Yes, Swahili is a kind and gentle fellow but dare not anger him.”
“Hey, do you know what I wanna do? Run for leader of America Towne.”
“Oh, heavens, here we go again. Duke, that is a gigantic undertaking. Are you sure a man of your caliber can assume that role?”
“What’s so hard with it, Hank. Isn’t hunting all the same? You can taught me everything you learned.”
“Okay then.Your first lesson: Politics.”
“Politiski, what’s that?”
“Lean back and I shall tell you.”
Hank and Duke: On Politics
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Hank: “It’s rather difficult to explain politics, Duke, however the world in which we live would be an unruly place had it not exist. The very thought of such a world is conducive to one’s health.”
Duke: “What about Politiski?”
“It’s an important investment we best stay away from abolishing.”
“Why’d anyone polish it?”
“Don’t you listen to a word I say?”
“I’ve heard many words, but I can’t see them. Why’s that, Hank?”
“Speech is an invisible quality first installed by those who molded it.”
“But, what about Politiski?”
“I’ve already told you the simplified translation, and have given my thoughts.”
“Don’t remember that one, Hank. All I listened to spun around something called concussive or something. How does it work?”
“It works better than that blockhead of yours, that is for sure.”
“I’m a block?”
“Indefinitely.”
“Is that about it on Politiski, Hank?”
“Politics, you transparent rogue. No, that is only the beginning for if you want to really know about it you best listen.”
“I’m putting my ears on my feet, Hank. They are too heavy so if you talk, bend over.”
“Unlawful puritan, there is much to know. We’ve already discussed the two main parties.”
“And their petting zoos, right Hank? I wanna go.”
“You best go and stop speaking out of turn. I’ll have your neck the next time.”
“I’ll hand it to you, Hank, if you want. It bothers me a little when I see it, but that isn’t all the time.”
“I am well aware of your troubles, dearest brother, and will gladly take them off your hands when you are serious.”
“Cereal, I don’t know.”
“Where were we.”
“You said something about petting zoos, flying zebras, monkeys, raccoons, and all sorts of stuff. And then I remember you saying something like Politiski is a fun idea, or something. What kind of shenanigans is this when animals are roaming around?”
“A mighty mess needing a fix. I guess that’s your cue, Mr. President.”
“I’m not a Q, I think. I wanna know more.”
“Okay then, we will discuss the post-election and how everything works.”
“I’m no electrician, Hank, but would’ve picked and chosen from it. That’s all my fault.”
“As I was saying, we the people choose government officials to repair this place every couple of years. If it does not work out within the first two years, we go back to the polling stations and pick again. Here’s how it breaks down, try to keep pace. From the White House to Congress to Senate, elected officials get a total of twenty-four months to make things right. If they do, they get another twelve months. When it’s all said and done for the elephants, let’s say, the donkeys take over and try to improve on what the elephants did. If they can, another twelve months is awarded. If they can’t, all is done. Then it’s election time once again. The next group that comes in has an arduous task ahead of them, trying to erase what the past elect did so to stamp their own legacy at their own expense. The winner of that election gets two full years to prove themselves. If they do, another twelve months is awarded and so on. Is it possible that I have caused you to short-circuit? Put your tongue back into your mouth and answer me for I cannot afford to bury a brother, at least not while we are partaking in holiday.”
“That sure was a lot of letters to digest all at once, Hank, but I ate each one of them and now am tired.”
“Are you sure politics is right for you, for it requires lots of dedication and time.”
“The judge and jury are snacking at the moment, whatever that means. I don’t know how to juggle, Hank, so I don’t think I’d be a correct fit. That’s a real let down let me tell you. I think I’ll stick to leading you, Hank. Yes, me and kitty will show you the way. Can we find the kitty?”
“No flea tickled cat shall ever trespass on my greatness again.”
“You’re a sourpuss let me tell you, or something. What should we do next then?”
“I lay my ear to gentle information surfacing beneath my stringent brow, for I hear there is a picture show in town.”
“I like riding on picture books, Hank, really. Can we go look?”
“We shall, now let’s go.”