Duke: “This sure was a fun idea. I knew you had it in you Hank.”
Hank: “Can you not remain still for fifteen seconds? We are splattered on the outside of a train window and need to separate. This is not a way for a king to travel and will not have it.”
“You’re being a sourpuss again. Every time a sourpuss, so stop being one.”
“I am not a sour person, and how dare you compare me to them. Humiliation stifles my superior brow as of now.”
“Helium, that’s funny.”
“Quit it, buffoon. As we are conversing, my public has come forth from the inside of that derelict cabin in disbelief to see their glorified leader treated this way.”
“I forgot to say that to you or something. Please apologize my way. They have been looking at you for a bit now. All of them, not just one or two.”
“I have no choice but to dismiss your lack of communication. You are forgiven.”
“What’s Griffin?”
“Dismiss my last sentence then.”
“No need to mind your mind, never Hank. I kind of like going like this.”
“It is no surprise you are not taken aback. As for me, an intellectual of my standards deserves better. I require five henchmen and a pharaoh’s bed.”
“Why a parrot’s head?”
“Not parrot’s head, but pharaoh’s bed.”
“I apologize to your pirate’s lead then, Hank. But you were kind of in the wrong.”
“Nitwits.”
“Where?”
“Traveling is a cannibalistic sport. No sense of rational thought ever goes into it. Look at them, these anemic sores concentrating with a helpless eye on a pair of woodland creatures who are expected to entertain. They dare confuse us with chipmunks, Duke, and you stand behind their beliefs? If traveling has become this troublesome, I will no longer have a stake in it. Once we reach the Golden State, adventure will drain from my limbs. It is then I will settle high within Yosemite, the area to serve as Lugnut phase two. I may even appoint you chancellor.”
“Does that mean I get my family black?”
“I am sorry but no. They have long since succumb to the whooping-cough. We tried everything, but nature’s mother wants them ill. Do not fret for they are very much alive and make better servants than you ever could.”
“Please flee them, Hank. They’re soft and harmless.”
“This is not a place to discuss such affairs, oblivious fool. However, I may take the matter under advisement.”
“Mints are mean.”
“Which brings me back to the original point. We need to find a logical solution to this ongoing dilemma.”
“Salute Emma, but I think we should stay here and ride the waves if there are to be high fives or whatever. How come we haven’t peeled off this see-through wall thing, and why is my stomach purring. Maybe I accidentally swallowed kitty. Have any nuts to snack on?”
“Food, you’re wanting food? The nerve of some to crave such necessary rubbish especially in the presented situation.”
“Are there good gorillas among the bad ones?”
“What is it you mean?”
“You don’t know the snack pyramid thing everyone talks about? They say, ‘Stay away from this and that’ or something. Right?”
“We will discuss that matter soon enough. As for now, here comes the ticket person with splendor and contentment smeared on Dystopian features. Let’s hope we are led in.”
“These see-through walls tilt or something, I think.”
“Silence is to be your gaping throat.”
“My rot doesn’t have name, you ham.”
“Keep quiet and look defenseless, for we might be scraped off this window anytime and saved. Mankind is sympathetic like that. Not another word from you until we reach Lully Hood.”
Hank and Duke: Lost Somewhere, or Something
Tags: California, commentary, duke, hank, humor, lost, series, trains, travel, writing
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Hank: “That was sure rude.”
Duke: “I know, at least I think. How come that ticket person shooed us off like that?”
“Squires know not what to think.”
“I’m feeling fine, I think. Thanks for asking, kind sir, but am actually a little wonky or something. We’re not getting to see Lully Hood, right?”
“I know not how to answer that question unless we are to pinpoint our exact location. Let us gather a quick analysis: hot and striking sun, brazen asphalt just left, trite air, neglected Egyptian sand with not a watering trough in sight. In conclusion, I fame ourselves lost.”
“How much weight have we lost?”
“None worth mentioning.”
“But, I thought you said—”
“Nothing worth repeating.”
“I didn’t hear that, I swear. I kind of like being lost because it reminds me of licking an ice pole in the middle of snow time. I like snow whatever that means, the way it crunches beneath my feet or something. My ‘tomach stopped purring now, and I’m worried about kitty.”
“I, for one, am glad the cat was put to rest for we have bigger issues ahead.”
“Hank, how dare you. Kitty always did nice things and the moment it stops making noise you act like you never cared. I’ve seen the twinkle in your eye when kitty looks your way, so you can’t really say those things by law.”
“I can say and do whatever it is I want whenever I please. I am above all jurisdictions. No penalty can scrape me. Now, shifting our attention northward, we should trudge forth. Wipe that dirt and blood from your face then saddle up. We have many miles to conquer. Heat is a Communist dictator, one not to mess around with. Thirst and starvation will set in if we do not take the appropriate steps.”
“That sounds awful, Hank, but not really. I invite every scary thing to my birthday party because I’m no lily liver.”
“You dare challenge and threaten your king?”
“What’s a challenge?”
“A poke and prod to a duel of course. What’s the use in doing such things when this punishing sun has my back. Why, it will occupy your loneliness in due time I assure.”
“I’m sorry for being a meaner but do we get to see Lully Hood or melt?”
“It was written within the annals of time many years ago that two squirrels would stumble upon this barren wasteland to challenge themselves while the formidable landscape belts haymakers to their respective bellies. Would they survive given the circumstance, or wither away under insurmountable pressure with heat choking their respiring steps. Will we win out or cease to be? Let us choose the latter and prove the scribes wrong.”
“I don’t know how to say that, Hank, because of the big letters. All I know is I’ve never been so thin on myself since birth or something.”
“We have come too far to just pack our belongings and move back. Come lead the way to California, the promise land and Golden State.”
“Hank, we are in California Land. This bolted metal thing says something of sorts, or something.”
“It seems luck is on our side. How could I have missed it?”
“I knew you missed kitty.”
“Calm yourself, dearest child, for no cat talk should be carried out here. What I missed was our journey to success. From here on out it will be smooth sailing for you and I, so don’t concern yourself. The spirits of those who came before are here to guide us. Put your trust into them instead of an idiotic feline.”
“Hank, them swear words.”