Hank: “Celebrities don’t really work. They act in movies and are the sort of people I shun, the what’s their names Cruise Ship (Tom Cruise); Feather Locker (Heather Locklear); Wack Nicolas (Jack Nicholson); Cole Cage (Nicolas Cage); Yanni Jeph (Johnny Depp).”
Duke: “I was too real, then how come everything in that screen looked like this.”
“Hollywood effect.”
“Lully Hood, what?”
“Hollywood is a town to best abstain from for it features enigmatic artists like, what’s her name, Le These Hereon.”
“Why not Charlize Theron or something. I give up.”
“Le These Hereon — yes, quite a lovely girl. However, that does not change the fact she is just like the others. Why participate in a society when you have the option not to.”
“What’s a caption?”
“I did not say caption, nincompoop. What difference does it make if I correct you? You’re a jester, a sideshow act and nothing more. Somehow someone informed you of such names, yet you not know the word ‘actor.’ Why, you’re just like Jim Carrey before he lost touch.”
“Who’s Skim Scary?”
“Exactly my point, dearest brother. My thanks for your agreement.”
“You wanted to tell me about celery or something, right?”
“Buffoon, why—”
“I want to pet one of them.”
“If your tail was not connected to your body, you would lose it.”
“I lost lots once. Really. Remember that one year when you wanted to go to Lully Hood but you didn’t know how. I do, you cried lots. You said, ‘Why, they have castles and steeds, for they are on my level.’ And then you said, ‘Javier, keep watch over my throne and make sure not a soul soils it. I have many miles to track, many places to greet; riches are to be exchanged, babies kissed and squire women rescued.’ You said it like an angry badger, too. So angry like a badger.”
“You mock my Almighty rule and begin to slander my throat. You poke fun of my superiority? Curse you tenfold. May you feel my wrath.”
“I do like baths. And I do wear Felt.”
“What is the use of subjecting oneself to outlandish thoughts. Perhaps Hollywood is not as despicable as one thinks. I did want to travel there when I was young.”
“I invented something else, or something: Can we see Lully Hood?”
“No, I—”
“Don’t be a stink pot.”
“All right, it has been decided. But where would we attain the capital for such a laborious attempt.”
“What’s Ape It All?”
“Come.”
Hank and Duke: Lost Somewhere, or Something
Tags: California, commentary, duke, hank, humor, lost, series, trains, travel, writing
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Hank: “That was sure rude.”
Duke: “I know, at least I think. How come that ticket person shooed us off like that?”
“Squires know not what to think.”
“I’m feeling fine, I think. Thanks for asking, kind sir, but am actually a little wonky or something. We’re not getting to see Lully Hood, right?”
“I know not how to answer that question unless we are to pinpoint our exact location. Let us gather a quick analysis: hot and striking sun, brazen asphalt just left, trite air, neglected Egyptian sand with not a watering trough in sight. In conclusion, I fame ourselves lost.”
“How much weight have we lost?”
“None worth mentioning.”
“But, I thought you said—”
“Nothing worth repeating.”
“I didn’t hear that, I swear. I kind of like being lost because it reminds me of licking an ice pole in the middle of snow time. I like snow whatever that means, the way it crunches beneath my feet or something. My ‘tomach stopped purring now, and I’m worried about kitty.”
“I, for one, am glad the cat was put to rest for we have bigger issues ahead.”
“Hank, how dare you. Kitty always did nice things and the moment it stops making noise you act like you never cared. I’ve seen the twinkle in your eye when kitty looks your way, so you can’t really say those things by law.”
“I can say and do whatever it is I want whenever I please. I am above all jurisdictions. No penalty can scrape me. Now, shifting our attention northward, we should trudge forth. Wipe that dirt and blood from your face then saddle up. We have many miles to conquer. Heat is a Communist dictator, one not to mess around with. Thirst and starvation will set in if we do not take the appropriate steps.”
“That sounds awful, Hank, but not really. I invite every scary thing to my birthday party because I’m no lily liver.”
“You dare challenge and threaten your king?”
“What’s a challenge?”
“A poke and prod to a duel of course. What’s the use in doing such things when this punishing sun has my back. Why, it will occupy your loneliness in due time I assure.”
“I’m sorry for being a meaner but do we get to see Lully Hood or melt?”
“It was written within the annals of time many years ago that two squirrels would stumble upon this barren wasteland to challenge themselves while the formidable landscape belts haymakers to their respective bellies. Would they survive given the circumstance, or wither away under insurmountable pressure with heat choking their respiring steps. Will we win out or cease to be? Let us choose the latter and prove the scribes wrong.”
“I don’t know how to say that, Hank, because of the big letters. All I know is I’ve never been so thin on myself since birth or something.”
“We have come too far to just pack our belongings and move back. Come lead the way to California, the promise land and Golden State.”
“Hank, we are in California Land. This bolted metal thing says something of sorts, or something.”
“It seems luck is on our side. How could I have missed it?”
“I knew you missed kitty.”
“Calm yourself, dearest child, for no cat talk should be carried out here. What I missed was our journey to success. From here on out it will be smooth sailing for you and I, so don’t concern yourself. The spirits of those who came before are here to guide us. Put your trust into them instead of an idiotic feline.”
“Hank, them swear words.”